Wednesday and I am getting Antsy

Another quiet day, I did get something accomplished.  My desk is cleaned off, three loads of laundry folded, one left.  Most of my dresser cleaned off.  On Friday I am getting new bedroom furniture. Its not new, I got it from craigslist, but its the set Ive been searching for since I saw it a year ago on craigslist.  Its not the colors I want, but its close enough as the style was perfect.  So I need to get my room cleaned out tomorrow, The boys room cleaned out since he is getting our bed, and his bed is going into one of the guest rooms.

My nerves are on edge.  I feel like the slightest thing will set me off.  Not so much anger, but confusion, frustration.  I feel wired, jumpy and tense all for no reason.  Going north might get cancelled due to weather, but there will be another weekend.  Afterall, I dont need to go north to find someone.   I have plenty on call right here, never with any of them more than once, I dont want them…but they will suffice. 

I almost lost control of my newly organized rooms and went into a frenzy last night and regained control.  My thoughts are all over, I want to edit this, but what good is that if I want to read and see where my mind is in a month from now.  I want others to see the confusion, perhaps one will see something I dont.

I need to go out, I need to use up some energy, I need to just scream and scream.  I need solitude in a crowd.  I need to confirm my existence, but I dont want anyone to bother me. 

Hubby is home today, it was pretty quiet, we watched a few shows together, I made an awesome dinner, the boy was pretty good today. 

I do need to call the peds office tomorrow he has been complaining his back hurts, I know I was to expect some residual aches and pains in his muscles from rebuilding them, but I dont think this is normal, lets hope its just me being overdramatic.

Wow I have some readers, this is way cool…

I cant wait for winter to end, I feel so cooped up, like I am in jail…I want to escape, to run, to get out.  Ugghhhhh  Let me end this, honey is inside and doesnt know I have a blog, especially this one…

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Tuesday closes with a bang

Wow what a boring day…this must be the begining of my I am losing it stage.  The one where I sit around all day and do absolutely nothing.  It is 10:00 at night and I am still in my pajamas, and I already know I will fall asleep in the same pj’s.

Woke up at 4 am to get hubbys coffee and uniform ready for work, he works 24 hour shifts, 24 on and 24 off.  There was a light rain all night so everything was pure ice, he told me stay home and keep the boy home.  I told him I would decide when it came time to leave, the decision was taken out of my hands as all county public schools were closed due to severe ice. 

I just hung around all day doing much of nothing.  Played some computer games, watched tv, ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with the boy, fixed some of his toys for him, but that was the most I accomplished. 

I am going up north this weekend with daughter No.4, the boy and myself.  Hubby has to work.  We didnt get to see the parental units for Christmas and I also have other family gifts.  The schemeing and conniving have started already.

Instead of staying at mom and dads or bro and sis in laws, I convinced No. 5 to share a hotel so we didnt have to inconvienence anyone, she agreed.  I conned daughter No. 5 to babysit Friday night, noone is telling anyone we are coming in until Saturday.

Called my bestie and have arranged to go out for drinks Friday night.  I know she wants to introduce me to her new boyfriend and another couple that she is friends with.  I cant wait to see her, she is truly my best friend, the only one who knows what I am.  You too my readers if I get any, will also know soon.

I am contemplating calling an old boyfriend.  Not sure if its to tease, to flirt or to sleep with him and leave him.  Not sure if I will do it.  Not sure I wont find someone else to hook up with.  I see this coming, I know the guilt I will live with, and yet I cant control it.  I try to put myself in situations where it cant happen, and am sometimes successful but other times not.  You see, I am an adultress.  I dont know why either, because I sure dont enjoy it.  I just cant help it.

Now I love my hubby and I would do anything for him, but this impulse I cant control.  I wish I could blame it on drugs or alcohol but I cant.  The mood begins with me not wanting any pot or any wine or drinks or anything.  Sometimes it continues with nothing happening for a month sometimes its just a week and I go out do what I have to do and all is well with the world for a while.  I get more angry that I didnt enjoy it and that is where the guilt comes in.  Why do I do these things?  Why do I want to have sex with these men?  Now its not just anyone, I am pretty particular and if someone doesnt strike my fancy then I just tease, lead them on (warn them before hand that I am married and like to tease but it will go nowhere, giving them fair warning so I wouldnt really call myself a total tease).

Sometimes I break it down to a need to be wanted and desired and then just thinking well I led him on so lets get it overwith.  Sometimes I do get really hot for someone and the grabbing and groping leaves me breathless and wanting more until the sex part comes then its like ohhh god no lets get this overwith quick.

So why do I do this?  How do I control it?  Do I really want to control it?

Why am I such a horrible disaster?  I have everything a woman could want, and want nothing more, so why?

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Normal Quiet Day

These days are few and far between, or maybe more often than I think but just go unnoticed.  The boy had no school today it is MLK day…so we got to sleep in…which was a good thing since he woke at 2:30am wanting me to cook him dinner. (That so didnt happen).

Almost lost the clutter war in the dining room but prevented that and even got half the bedroom done along with laundry.

Daughter #4 got her period……so not pregnant…poor girl…been trying for almost a year.

Daughter #1, last I heard on Saturday is thinking she might be, so not on purpose.  So much for condoms and IUD’s (she must take after me.)

Lets do a little background since there really isnt much to speak of today

Daughter #1 is 25 in a stable relationship for 5 years, looking at buying houses, great career.  Her boyfriend is 26, great guy, decent career.  Lets just say they deserve each other ha ha…not married yet, she wants a huge wedding a huge ring, and is willing to wait for what she wants, in the meantime they live together

Daughter #2…22, married to military, has one daughter, seems the most together, but sometimes I wonder.  Son in law #1 a great guy.

Daughter #3…21  single, involved with a boy, lives in Texas, I worry about her……intelligent but way to naive and trusting.  She needs a job, just lost her job at a restaurant.

Daughters 2&3 are step daughters.

Daughter #4, 20….Married, she is disabled vet, he is active military.  Married young but hey the fools seem happy.  She moved back home when Son in law #2 left for Afghanistan.  She is here until he returns next August, and then they leave for Germany in October.  He was just home for two weeks, hence waiting for pregnant or not…and once again it was not.

Daughter #5..19….Once sentence and one paragraph will never sum up this child.  Single, lives with Dad…I suspect borderline Bipolar…..definately materialistic, definately a major bitch and spoiled.  I love her with all my heart but sometimes I really dont like her.

Son #1 almost 5…..The prince as his sisters have named him.  Spoiled, intelligent, devious, evil, mischevious all boy

Ohhh I did forget today was a pretty good day.  In speaking with a friend and her personal problems she was lamenting about her guilt in being angry with God.  I actually helped her to see she has no reason to feel guilty, I assured her God loves her and is with her and really never gives us anything we cant handle.

When the conversation was over, I rethought it and realized, I had thought my faith was lacking, my belief weak, but I see that really isnt true, I was speaking to her from the heart and telling her to lean on God and trust in him, ……..I feel better…now if only I could have faith in the church enough to return.

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My Monday has started

I had the most perfect blog, said everything I wanted it to, was typed from the heart and boom…IE not responding, for some reaon it does not like this website.
anyway, lets give it another try…

Well my Monday has started, here I sit lamenting about my new organizational promises. I am fed up with the clutter in the house. Its only been a week since I promised myself I would keep things clean and organized. I have to say my kitchen, dining room and living room still look pretty good, there are a few dishes in teh sink and the living room needs to be vacuumed, but those rooms are still in order and organized. My bedroom and the master bathroom however are disaster areas. I am going to fix that completely on Tuesday..why not tonight or tomorrow you might ask…well my son is returning to pre school after almost a month. The week before christmas we all came down with a cold, hubby and I were miserable but fighting it, we all went to the docs, was told it was a cold…..NOT it was the swine flu, The boy was fighting it off too, then I noticed he was a bit dehydrated, took him to the ER on Christmas eve, they checked him said ear infection and maybe RSV…no answers, sent me home with antibiotics…Christmas night, he was totally lethargic, but still in tune iwth the world, however, the next morning he was out of it, his eardrum had ruptured and he really wasnt resonding, so back to different ER (mind you I live 45 minutes from any hospital) by the time we got there he was nearly unconscious. Thats when he was tested for flu and they took samples from the ear goop and it turned out to be an infections as virulent as Mercers (probably got it from first ER visit).
He was in hospital for 5 days, he was about 24-36 hours away from liver and kidney failure, we should never have been sent home on the 24th. He is still recovering, and no lasting effects.
Anyway, thats why I am going to enjoy tomorrow morning.
Or is that the pothead procrastinator in me, ohhh have i mentioned I like to smoke pot? I dont smoke much, one or two hits and I am done, I spend maybe 20-30 every 6-8 weeks so I am a real lightweight. Hubby doesnt know I smoke. Hmmm maybe thats why I am here typing instead of cleaning, ya think?
Its time to get back on track with things…
I need to figure out if I am going to make entries several times a day, and publish all at once, or just random thoughts all in one shot at night, or just a few times a week. This is when I need some followers some feedback. But ahhh well, when I hit one of my self destructive periods I know I will have some fans…but until then I will keep plodding along…at least learned to copy as I type

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My relationship

woke up this morning and got hubby ready for work…just remember I call him hubby he is actually married to someone else theyve been separated over 10 years we have been together almost 6 years…but I call him hubby..I think we are engaged…funny I should know…let me explain this one..
He was talking to my daughters (all older teenagers at the time) about buying me a promise ring…they knew how I felt about them (they are total bullshit) before they dissuaded hubby they told me to make sure i still felt that way…
well he went for a marquis engagement ring…full Carat…beautiful stone..ok to me thats an enagement ring especially when it says it on the box…
Well he takes me and the girls out to dinner…I go to get my plate…we love Golden Corral..I come back and see this ring box on my plate,…im like OMG OMG but dont say anything..the table next to me is like all hush hush…I sit down and his phone rings….(with his job he NEEDS to answer)..its a debt collector..telling him his ex wife (remember not really ex)…defaulted on the car loan and we now owe 5G on the car and to pay up or we will be sued…well I got a ring and nothing said…just here…
That was 4 years ago, I still dont know if I am engaged or not…

I really have to learn to shorten these

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Hello world!

Welcome to This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging

Wow…well first fail…typed a whole response only to have internet explorer fail to respond several times…must be an omen…said way too much in my first post…

well lets scale it down a bit…..

First……I hate proper grammar when I am just typing my thoughts as they come.  I like to type whats on my mind and since I am usually doing ten things at once, I dont have time to fix it…

second….I am a sick twisted person…i am a very self destructive person…i am selfish but at the same time selfless………is that possible……you tell me

third….im wondering how honest I will be……and in being totally honest how much criticism am i inviting…….oh well i guess ill find out….

fourth…I do welcome comments and questions….please share my blog if you see it and find it strange, interesting, wierd, sick, troubled…or whatever…i wonder if I can actually get someone to follow my day to day life….ya know the life of the perfect mom and wife but……once behind closed doors….sick and twisted, totally self destructive

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