Wow what a boring day…this must be the begining of my I am losing it stage. The one where I sit around all day and do absolutely nothing. It is 10:00 at night and I am still in my pajamas, and I already know I will fall asleep in the same pj’s.
Woke up at 4 am to get hubbys coffee and uniform ready for work, he works 24 hour shifts, 24 on and 24 off. There was a light rain all night so everything was pure ice, he told me stay home and keep the boy home. I told him I would decide when it came time to leave, the decision was taken out of my hands as all county public schools were closed due to severe ice.
I just hung around all day doing much of nothing. Played some computer games, watched tv, ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with the boy, fixed some of his toys for him, but that was the most I accomplished.
I am going up north this weekend with daughter No.4, the boy and myself. Hubby has to work. We didnt get to see the parental units for Christmas and I also have other family gifts. The schemeing and conniving have started already.
Instead of staying at mom and dads or bro and sis in laws, I convinced No. 5 to share a hotel so we didnt have to inconvienence anyone, she agreed. I conned daughter No. 5 to babysit Friday night, noone is telling anyone we are coming in until Saturday.
Called my bestie and have arranged to go out for drinks Friday night. I know she wants to introduce me to her new boyfriend and another couple that she is friends with. I cant wait to see her, she is truly my best friend, the only one who knows what I am. You too my readers if I get any, will also know soon.
I am contemplating calling an old boyfriend. Not sure if its to tease, to flirt or to sleep with him and leave him. Not sure if I will do it. Not sure I wont find someone else to hook up with. I see this coming, I know the guilt I will live with, and yet I cant control it. I try to put myself in situations where it cant happen, and am sometimes successful but other times not. You see, I am an adultress. I dont know why either, because I sure dont enjoy it. I just cant help it.
Now I love my hubby and I would do anything for him, but this impulse I cant control. I wish I could blame it on drugs or alcohol but I cant. The mood begins with me not wanting any pot or any wine or drinks or anything. Sometimes it continues with nothing happening for a month sometimes its just a week and I go out do what I have to do and all is well with the world for a while. I get more angry that I didnt enjoy it and that is where the guilt comes in. Why do I do these things? Why do I want to have sex with these men? Now its not just anyone, I am pretty particular and if someone doesnt strike my fancy then I just tease, lead them on (warn them before hand that I am married and like to tease but it will go nowhere, giving them fair warning so I wouldnt really call myself a total tease).
Sometimes I break it down to a need to be wanted and desired and then just thinking well I led him on so lets get it overwith. Sometimes I do get really hot for someone and the grabbing and groping leaves me breathless and wanting more until the sex part comes then its like ohhh god no lets get this overwith quick.
So why do I do this? How do I control it? Do I really want to control it?
Why am I such a horrible disaster? I have everything a woman could want, and want nothing more, so why?